Posts Tagged ‘religion’

  1. We’ve Moved Out Already, Church, Let It Go

    March 4, 2013 by J9London

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    Image from

    I don’t normally go in for them political fandangos, due to the high rate of people getting shouty, but the equal marriage bill passed through the house of commons and that deserves a pretty big huzzah from ever one. Of course, there are still some people who are dragging their heels about the whole thing, like the good ol’ Archbish of Cant, so as my personal celebration of this excellent news, I’d like to tell him why he just needs to let it go.

    You see, the church* built the society we live in, however irrelevant it may seem to your own personal life. The church is like a parent, and under its sometimes too watchful, often hypocritical eye, we have grown into the strange and varied culture of the west. And just like all parents, it has to let go sometime.

    When you’re a toddler, you trust your parents completely. You have to. They’re the only people you know, and they know the power you have. So when you say “why can’t I chase my ball out into the street and put flaming trombones in my hair and swim in the sea with my pet manatee and no water wings?” they just say “because I said so” and have done with it. Or they go on to say “you are an infant and I am grown and as I have grown I have received wisdom which you have thus far had no access to and besides I have a whole big book on exactly why you shouldn’t do those things, but it’s in Latin and you can’t even read English, can you, tiny child, so you’ll just have to trust me when I say I can sum it all up into a neat bundle of ‘because I said so.’”

    But you don’t stay a toddler forever, and your parents can’t watch you all the time, so you’re probably going off and learning stuff behind their backs. And they know this and, even though they’re divorced now** and sometimes disagree on things, they still love you and want to raise you right. So when you say “but why can’t I go to that party on the other side of town with Tanya who just got her drivers licence and have fun with all the boys she says will be there because there won’t be any parents around and then next week go backpacking through Turkey and Israel and Iran with one of the boys I meet at the party tonight?” they sit down and explain it. And they say “look, there’s a lot of swell advice in this book I was talking about earlier that I’ve now translated into a strange and unlikely form of English and you’ve learned to read, so here, have a copy, although seriously there are a lot of weird analogies and contradictions so I’ll just tell you what it all means anyway.”

    But there comes a time when every child has to leave his or her parents protective bubble. Whether it’s to go to university, to move to a different city, to live with another human so you can get your junk all up in each other’s business without it being creepy because your mum and excessively flatulent stepdad are in the next room, or just because your, like, twenty seven, jeez, eventually it’ll just be time to go. So you’ll say “I’m moving out. I’ll be making my own decisions from now on. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the foundation in life you’ve given me. And although I may listen to people who oppose you in various areas, and although I may form opinions you disagree with, I’ll still come round for dinner and talk to you because you have interesting views, some of which are helpful, all of which are fun to debate. When we inevitably do disagree I hope we’re both smart enough to use that as an opportunity for discussion, rather than reasons to fight and ultimately hate each other. Please trust that you’ve instilled in me some generally good values and let me make the calls now, KTHNXBYE.”

    Whatever you believe, wherever you’re from, if you’re living in the west, you’re in a society that was parenting by the church. Or churches, I should say, for there are several. In general, we’ve moved out and on. We’ll visit, some of us every week, but we don’t belong to the church anymore. It’d just be nice if it’d keep the kettle on. For anyone who ever facies a cup of tea.


    *I mean the church as a general, meandering beastie; the corporate church, the global church; not a specific church, and certainly not God
    **And I’m sure that picture of Henry “douchebag” the Eighth with the caption about the Church of England respecting the sanctity of marriage just brings HELLA LOLZ, but there was way more going on with the reformation of the church than him having blue balls for that Anne girl, come on, guys, research, jeez

    Janina is addicted to dark chocolate and peppermint tea. She once made a burger so good she has a picture of the occasion on her bedroom wall. You can find out more about her at and follow her on twitter at @J9London.

  2. Like a virgin…

    May 25, 2012 by luc7m

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    I recently found myself in a situation. It involved a boy and it involved sex, but that’s where the familiarity stopped. We met a while ago; there was A LOT of excellent snogging, some drinks and… it’s never been anything more remotely interesting than that. As a result, it quickly became very boring and after a 4am phone call telling me he was on his way over and another one five minutes later telling me he’d changed his mind, I decided it was time to put a stop to it. His explanation the next morning..? He was a virgin.

    ‘A what?’

    ‘I’m a virgin. I believe in God.’

    ‘Ahhhh. God.’

    If there was ever a stereotype for what a male virgin in his twenties looks like, he is the EXACT opposite and quite easily one of the hottest boys I have ever seen in my entire life. But that was that, because there’s nothing less sexy than bringing God into things.

    Except that wasn’t that. Perhaps it’s because I showed him moderately less interest than I would paint drying, or something equally disinteresting, but that’s when the sexting started. Now, I’m all for a bit of sexting but this was with a VIRGIN who BELIEVED in GOD. It was very confusing and as I wasn’t sure what to reply for fear of accidently scarring him, I generally ignored them. But it didn’t stop him, so we got into argument as to what the whole point of it was.

    And that’s when he said this:

    ‘Don’t worry, I’ll still let you give me head and we can have anal sex.’

    Oh, thank goodness for that, HEAD and ANAL SEX, that’s okay then. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

    *quickly reaches for the dictionary and looks up the definition of virgin*

    Yep, as I thought. – ‘A virgin is a person who has not had sexual intercourse’.  Maybe I’m not down with the kids these days but surely anal sex is still sex. If not, it must be a pretty big loophole to be able to get round the God Almighty. It’s like being a vegetarian then gorging on T-Bones with a sticky ribs chaser every weekend – I don’t think Paul McCartney would be so forgiving.

    And then I hunted round the Urban Dictionary.

    Saddlebacking: ‘The phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities’

    Saddlebacking , Technical Virgins or the Everything But generation (Butt being the operative word) is becoming steadily more prominent since it first arose among US Christian teens in the early 90s. Aside from the obvious issues they very clearly have, the main problem with this arrangement is the lack of protection they’re using which is causing an increase in the spread of STDs.

    Unfortunately, this is largely down to the limited amount of Sex Education they’re getting in school – because they’re staying virgins they apparently don’t need Sex Ed – combined with an amazing lack of common sense. Because they’re not supposed to be having sex, they’re not learning about STDs and because they’re not learning about STDs they’re not buying condoms because ultimately it’s fairly difficult to get pregnant through anal sex.

    It’s pretty ironic that Christian virginal teens are partly responsible for the spread of STDs and goes to show that there’s no room for naivety when it comes to protecting ourselves. And although God and I are rarely on the same page, I’m pretty sure he’s not 99 per cent effective against herpes, syphilischlamydiagonorrhea and unwanted pregnancies. As a result you should always use some form of protection against becoming infected with anything, it’s much easier and less messy in the long run.

    In the meantime, I will be steering clear of hot boys. And virgins.

    Lucy is a PR lady, peanut butter aficionado and marmite lover. She hates blueberries, and once made me pick them off a plate of waffles before eating them. You find follow Lucy on Twitter right here